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lifeamystery.rediffiland.com/
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Have You Ever...
Have you ever cried at night,
Thinking it was bad,
Have you ever screamed out loud,
From pain that you have felt,
Have you ever stopped and looked,
At pain that you have dealt,
Have you ever questioned someone,
Of love and if its true,
Have you ever felt abused,
Or worried while you wait,
Have you ever made a big huge deal,
Over someone being late,
Have you ever had them leave,
And watched them walk away,
Have you ever thought of leaving,
But could only sit and stay,
Have you ever tried to tell them,
But didn’t know how it would go,
Have you ever been alone,
Where no one else could see,
So you sat at home remaining unknown,
having nowhere else to be.
I’ve felt this way before,
I’ve felt and dealt it all,
I’ve even lied,
I’ve even cried,
I’ve even felt the fall.
But nothing makes it better,
I wish it all would go away,
I wish it wasn’t real,
But that is not the case,
And it could never be.
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So far yet so near...
MD and I have a tendency to fight a lot.. We had a bad fight two days ago, and after such a bad argument, a break of one or two days is taken, were in phone calls are prohibited. This is the time we take for ourselves to get back to our senses.. Yesterday was that break day.. It was a lazy sunday..and i was taking a long nap. A phone call woke me up, and it was MD calling.. I was surprised, thinking why is he calling now?? Sleepily i picked up, said "hello??" He got that i was sleeping and asked me to call back when i was awake.. When i woke up, I had a very bad feeling, my stomach was paining a lot, had difficulty breathing, and it felt like someone had a tied me strongly around my waist.. It was a very uncomfortable feeling.. Still I had to call MD, so I called him up.. He picked up. Me still angry from last night"s ordeal, shouted, I am not feeling well, kya kaam hai?.. He answered calmly, do u have 5 min? I thought, here comes a long sorry speech, and was in no mood to hear that but said OK.. He just said, Listen.. And I heard some music. I was wondering what was it.. Then it struck me that he was playing, playing his keyboard, in his hostel room.. Surprise, surprise.. Then I listened to the tune he was playing.. It was a song we both liked a lot, "Pehla nasha"..He was playing so beautifully, and I was hearing him play for the first time.. Every emotion took a back step, my anger, my uneasiness, my pain..all I was hearing was him
playing.. And when he finished, I was happy, no other emotion. Only happiness..
The same night..when I was again feeling unwell, how easily he made me go to sleep, me in his arms..caressing me to sleep. And all this while he is thousands of miles away..
U just want to say.. I love you.
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Finding your Passion
MD wrote this..
What are you really passionate about?
Have you ever sat down and thought about why you have done the things you"ve done? Or why do you want to do the things that you want to do?
Is it because you really wanted it, or is it because it was available and you took it or is it because there was no other option?
If you wanted it, then why did you want it? Was it your dream, or was it your parents" and friends" expectation, or was it the society"s expectation?
Its so much intriguing to know what things in life are we really passionate about, things that will refill our enthu no matter how down the chips are; things that fill up the void which we feel from time to time.
In the discussion that followed, he asked me what I was really passionate about.. I started, I love reading, cooking and learning something new everyday.. He interupted, said that I am not asking what do you love, but what are you really passionate about?? So there"s the difference.. I love doing so many things, but cause of the constant busy schedule I dont remember when I was sincere in doing those things.. so, No I am not passionate about it currently.. If I had real passion for these things, then I would have found time to do those.. No doubt that I love doing those things, butthe drive to keep doing them on a regular basis is missing.. At the end of a long discussion, we both concluded that currently, the thing we both are passionate about is our relationship.. No matter where we are, how busy we are, time will always be put aside for talking with him (cause ours is a long distance relationship). Good na..
Also, after I realized one more thing. I love blogging. I love writing, though I never knew it, but I love putting my thoughts into words, however crude it might be. Though due to ill health I was not able to write for a while now, but I do tend to find time for it. I usually write about my life, so its quite a bit of soul searching before, and its a great way to know some hiddne feelings beneath you. And its a great feeling after written something, and even great when reading the comments that you get..specially when you get appreciated for something you are not good at. :)
Let me ask you..what are you passionate about ??
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To my Valentine..
Having you beside meAnother perfect dayPraying you will never leavePraying you will always stayYou and me forever and alwaysVow that you will stay hereAlways by my sideLife without your presenceEach day I will cryNothing compares to what we haveThe love we possess insideIt is like an eternal flame
Never does it die
Each memory that we made
So wonderful and nice
Deeper and Deeper our love became
As the days went by
You"re the reason I can touch the sky
P.s. In case you didnt notice, the first letter of every line spells HAPPY VALENTINE"S DAY
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Finding Support
I wrote earlier that I am suffering from endometriosis. It was one of the lowest and depressing stage of my life. You suddenly hear doctors talking about removing your ovaries..You are still single, perfectly healthy. And all this happening at a very fast pace. If that was not enough, you hear your parents talking about a possiblity of cancer.. I almost lost it.
Amidst all the darkness, I found a yahoo group for this disease, I joined it. It was the one of the best things I think I ever did. It opened a new door to a whole new world of information and more importantly, people like me. I read the mails of women suffering just like me, even more than me and I consider myself lucky that I didnt had to go through immense pain like them. Best part, I made friends.
My first new friend, Savi from Delhi. She was the first one to write to me after I posted in the group about my condition. I still remember how happy I was reading her reply, finding someone like me. At last I can share my pain, my worries with someone just like me ( although MD was always there). I knew a lot about tackling with this disease from her. As she was from India, the medical treatment was almost similar, so its nice to talk to her about whats the next step, when is the next check up, clarifying every small doubt and question..
A couple of days after I posted to the group, I got another reply. This was from a girl from US, Christen. While I was reading her mail, I felt like reading my own life story, thats how similar our lives were.Every small thing matched, even the post operation symptoms match.. And believe me, our birthdays are just a day apart!!! Long mails were being exchanged regarding this, and its always a pleasure reading her mails. Knowing her has made me relieved from the fact that I was too young for this disease. What happened to me exactly happened to someone else, realizing this eases half of your worries.. Talking to her lets me know what treatments are available in U.S. and what next I can do.
I can mail and tell them if I am feeling low, if I am in bad health. And always know for sure that they know what it feels like. I always get encouraging letters from them, words that have slowly removed my fear about endometriosis. Though the fear still resides, its intensity has reduced.
Thanks to these two angels.. I can now breathe freely.
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Being Loved
What an overwhelming feeling being immensely cared creates.. You just cant figure what sort of emotion drives the person to care so much, say those words, have those eyes filled with emotions. And no..Its not MD I am talking about..
I am a lecturer in a college. Every semester there is a student that has a huge crush on me. I know that by the time they pass out, it will be over.So I am not bothered much by it and its been happening for the past 2-3 semesters.. But this one was seemed different. You can tell when its just a crush or something more.. And i can see that this was something more than just a mere crush. I could have embarrassed him, insulted him and done number of other things to crush his feelings, but doing that is not in my nature. I respected his feelings. And he never tried anything stupid....It stayed that way. Like other cases, this was also to be forgotten. But something changed it..
I felt sick, he called in to check how I was doing. The way in which he talked, it was so moving. After keeping the phone, I wanted to thank him for caring so much. I dont know what to name his feelings, huge respect, crush or love, but whatever it is, he masters it. Yesterday was his last day in college, he came to me.. talked for a while. We wished each other luck, and he ended with the words that he would miss me through out his life..
You can look at this thing in different perspective. One could say that such a relation between a student and a teacher is unethical. But I say, that there was nothing wrong in this. He had obvious feelings for me, and I respected it. Its just the magnitude of his feelings that awes me..
Hope he has a good life and finds someone beautiful to share his life with..
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Old memories, New questions
I was just chatting with my classmate n now collegue about an incidet about two and a half years back..
Back then, we were in the last semester of my Enggereing degree, and my best friend, "B" had just eloped with her boy friend. I knew that B was in love with a guy. In reality it was more of like a bad crush on both the sides, they knew each other for just a month, and B was already talking of eloping. I clearly remember the day when we had a chat about this. How much I had tried to make her see sense, make her see the reality. The guy was clearly using her, and she had time to turn back. After about an hour of talking,she promised that she try her best not to act foolishly and we both left.. Apparently,we both reached the same movie theater. Me with my friends, and she with her bf on his bike, smiling and waving at me... That left me dumb struck, after all that I just told her,
nothing, not even a tiny bit went into her head.. It was the starting of our relation breaking. Lost all respect and care that she had in my mind. B did what she wanted, eloped on the day of our final submission of our final sem, almost ruining her carrer.. Present status, she is my ex-best friend, and her bf, her ex-husband after a month.. I pitied her..
Come to the present..my parents are denying me to marry MD, and I still love MD. There is a small difference, MD is not like B"s bf, we have been together for a long time, and I know he is a true and genuiene guy. Arguing to this one can say that things didnt work out between B and her bf cause they acted immaturely.. This can go on and on in my mind, arguments and counter arguments..
Why this matters is, I really dislike B"s way of dealing with things.. So now am I turning into her?? A positive response scares me...
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Shattering dreams
I never knew blogging could be this hard. I have been through a lot this last few days and writing it down, remembering it again is a daunting task. This all days, I so wanted to vent everything out, but just the thought of remembering everything made me not put my feelings into words.. Now, I cant hold it back no longer..
As I last posted, I had an operation. A disease crossed my path, which is changing my life drastically. The villain, endometriosis. From the day I was diagnosed, not even a single day have I been at rest. Reading from the net and consulting doctors was the norm for a cpl of weeks. While the doctors were talking about removing my ovaries, I was trying to find what the hell this endometriosis is. For some reason, there was a cyst forming over my ovaries, destroying it slowly. There are several reasons for this happening; I don’t know which one is applicable to me. So much is unknown about it, and it is not an uncommon disease. People are just unaware of it, so negligent. However, they should be known about it. I now realize what difference it can make. This is a disease which is the number two reason for infertility in women, and it can happen to anyone, any female. And as I found out the hard way, it is a silent killer. I didn’t even know that I had this, until 6 weeks ago. According to the symptoms of the disease I should be in lots of pain, but I was not. I was perfectly healthy. Hopefully, by God’s grace, it was found on time, and I had an operation and it was removed…Now comes the interesting part. The doctor after the operation told me, that my ovaries have been saved, BUT (there’s always a ‘but’) I should marry early and have kids soon. Ok..point taken. Come back home after the operation, and my mom had started talking about me getting married. So I told her about MD, told her I love him and I want to marry him. I didn’t think that my parents would object much. Though I didn’t expect a smooth sailing, I didn’t expect a tough resistance. And what reaction I got, tough is a small word to describe it. Here I was just 10 days after my operation, and I was already crying profusely, my stitches paining badly cause of it. My parents vehemently denied MD. Reason was my ‘Guruji’ said that he will leave me after we get married. So I continued day after day, me crying, trying to manao my parents, and they denying it. And I haven’t even told you that what a support MD was in this days. Hearing that your girl could loose the ability to become a mom, is not a easy thing. But he was always there for me, hearing me out, supporting me when I cried, always making me feel strong, making me a brave girl, taught me how to face my fears. He has always been my side through thick and thin. And I love him dearly, more than anything. But I don’t want to hurt my parents in this process… So I am in a sandwich situation, I want to marry MD, but my parents are not approving me, threatening me inevery possible way. And if that was not enough I have this disease which constantly keeps me worrying about my future…
It takes a hell lot of courage to pass a single day.. Hope they pass soon…
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Life changing incident
It was the day after diwali. And all the whole family was gathered to have lunch together. It was such a fun time, the whole family enjoying together in the festive season.. However the joy was short lived. In the evening I had a acute pain in my stomach. When it persisted the next day, and became more acute, I went to the doctor, only to find that I had a cyst in my stomach...oh laa..from where did this come??? I am a healthy girl.. and what is this that I am hearing. A cyst in my body, and it grew quite large, and I never knew it.... Surprise, surprise..
The next week was filled with visits to all the possible doctors. Consulting all the doctors of actually what this thing is, it was unheard in my family and friends. and happening to me, u wouldnt have imagined something like this happening at such a young age. This things are for the old ages. I was asking all the doctors, am I not too young for this?? Well, i found..it can happen. Finally after visting the all the possible doctors in a week, the place was decided and on a fine morning, the cyst was removed from my body and thankfully its not cancerous. Still have to take precautions so that it doesnt happen again..
U know, I never had a single injection taken, and now my body is punctured with numerous injections. Every possible test has been done on me. Visited so many doctors, spent couple of days in the hospital. And saw so many diseased people in such a small span of time..and all this happening all of a sudden and to ME !!!!All this makes you wanna see your life in a different way, not in a dramatic life changing way, but surely in a different perspective. I even wrote a draft for MD to read if something happened to me.. :) i guess that shows something..isnt it??
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My Fairy Tale Wishes..
Well...after that lengthy discussion and my strong decision, guess what i did. We talked a couple of days later, and i melted. I cant help it. He was so relctuant to let me go away even for a day that you just dont want to keep a foot away from him. And things have been going fine from then, till we have one more fight, and i"ll again be sad and depressed. I guess this is how things will be between us, some days or pure love and some days or pure dislike, and days will be alternating between these two, although the former will have more days then the latter.
I dont know which of these two is better..having your days filled with love, the happily ever after fairy tale life, or this one, where days are filled with both love, arguments and differences. Although the first one is too ideal, it might be true for some couples..And according to MD, I am a ideal romantic person straight from a novel, so its but natural that I would want the fairy tale days.. But MD and me, are from two different worlds, we have a different view on every small thing, excpet that we love each other, so we would obviosuly been having the later life. May be we have arguments because i want the first life and we are having the second one..
Whatever happens in my future..I will hopefully wish that I will have my fairy tale life with my knight, my MD..
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